Week Five.

I don't know how to keep my attitude and my heart at a neutral position. I don't know how to keep my mind completely open and keep my expectations at zero. I had a rough weekend and not in any drastic event, but just in the colaboration of semi-shitty events that occurred, topped off with the lack of productivity that you know kills me.

I feel that I'm quickly losing confidence in myself in every aspect and possibility of it... I don't know why, but it hurts and it's scary. I almost want to say "I wish I could start this all over" but that's silly because at 5 weeks in you can definitely start every single day as it was the first.....

I am so hard on myself but I can't stop being that way.

Ultimately I feel very alone in the world right now and it's the loneliest I've felt in a very long time.

Scary Dudes Scaring Dudes.

Yea dude.

My incredibly smart, talented, fantastic, lovely and well-meaning roommate decided to create a profile for me on his "Secret super rad online dating sight". I, having no real interest in participating, humored him and let him go for it. Of course topping off the experience with a super lame profile name, my new life in the online dating world was born.

I think what he meant to say was, choose the least lame and least monsterous looking dude in the bunch and see if it works out.

Riiiiiiiiiight.

Mom, meet my new boyfriend Alan.





28/M/SF. Loves long walks on the beach, hiking and things of that nature. And hey, our personality tests match us up to a whoppin' 21% match. I think he's the one I've been waiting for. Thanks again, roomie.

God damn I need a camera.

This one, in fact.

And fast.








Oh the random things these eyes have seen in the last 24 hours alone. Just to paint a mental picture since I know you're dying to know, and like I've referenced before, the spill-in-the-purse has made catching these images impossible these days.

1 day ago.
*My new best friend, a mid twenties amputee squatter gutter punk in upper haight on crutches asked me for a smoke last night as I walked by. I gave her one of course, not only because it's smoker karma but because half of her head was shaved revealing her enormous Pabst Blue Ribbon tattoo. Sorry Long Beach tattoo enthusiasts,... your head tattoos got NOTHIN' on this bitch.

*(Also in upper haight last night).... a random 20 feet span of sidewalk completely covered with a plethora of different postcard size fliers creating a see of gloss and color. It was amazing, and totally something to be documented. Funny, my company looked at the same sight but with her different perception and said "Ew, so much litter". Fair enough.

1 hour ago.
*The most awkward display of facial hair I've ever seen on a young gent cruisin through Lower Haight. Words cannot even describe. Lens needed.

*And of course the ridiculous/rad murals adorning nearly every wall you pass by.




Seriouslly.... I gotta make somethin' happen soon. My memory will one day fail me and that will be a sad sad day.

Much To Do About Nothing.

What do you do when you move to a new city and you don't know anybody.

What do you do when you have the social skills of the mayor but you can't seem to work them out to fit the scenario...

What do you do when you love drinking at dive bars but you get off work and can't manage to go to three doors down because you'll be all alone?

What do you do when you wonder if you've made a mistake but know you can't turn back because of pride?

What do you do when you think you might have a problem but can't come to grips with it?

What do you do when you look you're entire life for someone that meets the list of qualifications and you've found so few people to relate?

And what do you do when you know that you have so much to do in your life but don't know how to go about it or where to go do it?









The best solution I have in my 3am drunkin' stooper.........:

. Dont stop. That would be pussy as hell.

.Dont doubt. Every other fuck head can pull rad shit. So can I.

.Stay true. Don't forget these rough times. Don't forget the T.I.... Don't forget the L.B. Don't forget Dinuba and the fact that no gets outta there without a sleugh of kids from different pops' and a rough meth addiction.

.Remember what occupied time at age 5: (drawing and playing piano) and what will occupy time at age 25: drawing and playing. Make something happen. Not everyone has that chance.

. Remember how lucky you are. ....young as fuck.... amazing experiences under thee ol' belt. And time to do the rest of the bullshit later on when I'm worn out and wrinkley.

Appreciate. Possibly the roughest. It's so hard for me. It's SO EASY to look at everything I have going on and disregard EVERYTHING THAT'S RAD and focus entirely on all the things I or my life lack. It's so sick. Seriouslly. It's such a mental illness. I am so fortunate. The fact that I take such extreme advantage of that makes me sick to my stomach.
....and then I hang out with others. And their attitudes and disregard make me sicker-- near death, really.


....are these the angst of being an ambitious/23 or being a schizophrenic/codependent?

Up Up Down Down Left Right A A B B....

In one weekend.

Daddy brought Boots home a 3 story ferret condominium. She is spoiled as fuck.

Mommy made a few poor choices including leaving her ATM card in the ATM. Rad.

Successfully watched more than 6 hours of Intervention. Straight. This has definitely come to a rock bottom. We need an intervention on us watching Intervention.

Confirmation of me and Jason's ferret tattoo has been solidified.

White People Food.

Adapting to any new environment is interesting. A new job is extra interesting, because you're bound to spend the majority of your week there. My job has turned out to be definitely tolerable at very least. I've thought about it a lot, and we're gonna even go with "inspiring". We'll leave the asterisks for another blog.

One interesting thing about my job is that no one really takes a legit lunch break. Generally people go get lunch and come back to their desk and eat while they work through it. When you're already working a 9 hour day (at very least) this is an interesting tid bit. Being new to the area, I'm seeing all of these lunch venue options for the first time... sizing up variety and price point... and factoring in the fact that most places in San Francisco are all about cash only.

While there's food all over the place,... next door, across the street, cadi-corner... pizza, falafels, coffee shops, thai food, sushi, delis, walgreens,... you name it....

I found the gold mine.

Love n Haight deli.




An amazing vegetarian menu... and the real diamond in the rough is the grilled cheese with tomatoes.... Less than $3.00. After a little research, it's the tastiest/cheapest deal on the block.

After a few days of consecutive grilled cheese action, my coworkers have caught on to my addictive ways.

And I was blatantly informed today that grilled cheese is a stereotypical "white people's food".

Learn somethin' new everyday.

How To Lose A Girl in One Date.

*Make sexual innuendos in the first five minutes of hangin' with her.

*Invite her to your completely unfurnished apartment to "hang out" after drinks.

*Walk ahead of her down the street.

*Call out her low skill set in pool.

*Order drinks on her tab.

*Talk about your ex.




Let's just say there will likely not be a follow up date.

In the midst of all these changes I forget that being somewhere new presents the opportunity to be anyone you want to. No one knows otherwise. That idea slipped my mind as I started my new life, but overall I don't have any desire to be anyone other than who I am naturally. But in the past few days I've been deeply wondering what it is I am SUPPOSED to be doing with myself... overall.






I think it's time to revisit and remember where I came from.

To All My Bay Area Peeeeeeeeeps

Yeaaaa, all y'alllll.

Wait. I don't have any friends. HA.

But, I dragged my amazing roommate out tonight who is anti-going out. Not too rad for school, but too rad to go to these sorts of places. I hate/aspire. And I appreciate the "take one for the team" mentality. New besty. Done and done.

It was a nice evening. I was glad to get out of my house tonight.... kinda stoked to talk about something that mattered while at the bar. A first for some period of time...... aside, only to my business meetings with Sasha that were ALWAYS ONLY BUSINESS.

Stoked about the fashion show, and doing it with people who give a fuck. It's a nice refresher. Who'd have thought-- three people who were willing to spend a portion of their night talking about work even when they weren't getting paid to do so. SHOCKING.

Stoked for the weekend. Excited to go to this meditation I've been wanting to go to forever. Excited to see friends I haven't seen in awhile. Excited to sleep in. Excited to get started working on m show.

Um I guess that's all.

Yea not that rad. But no tears for nearly 5 days in a row.

Epic.

Tales of Public Transportation.

So before I left my mom told me that it would be hard to adjust to taking public transportation to work everyday. I shrugged and didn't think much about it. I didn't anticipate it being a hard transition for me, and really it hasn't been. Sure, it takes a hell of a lot longer to get to work and back, but I always see it as a fun experience. You never know who's gonna be on the bus you catch,... you don't know if it's gonna be packed to complete claustrophobia levels or if you'll be the only soul on there..... I think it's even fun to see what bus driver you get and if you recognize them from any previous bus riding experiences.

I wish I had a camera so that I could properly document some of my experiences on the muni so far. Unfortunately my camera was recently destroyed in a bad open container in purse escapade. Words really can't do justice to some of the visions these eyes have seen. But I will do my best.

*Recent experiences have exposed me to things such as a lovers feud at 7am near the stop I catch my first bus to work at in the morning. I was on the phone with a friend of mine talking about the state of the union and things of that nature when a larger black man with a full grill of gold asked to bum a cigarette. Me being the nice and humane indvidual I am, I put my phone conversation on the back burner and managed to pull a parli out of the depths of my "way too big" purse. I gave it to "gold teeth" and tried to continue my conversation. Well he wanted to join in. He asked me where I was headed, whether or not I was going to school, where I worked,.... obviouslly I was on the phone. Moments later a man comes quickly by followed by a screaming girlfriend of his... he picked up his pace and was soon sprinting down my street with her chasing behind. I continued my conversation but damn.... a lot of action all before 8am.

*I have a favorite "neighbor" if you will. She (?) lives on Treasure Island also... I've seen her several times now and she's always in "uniform". She makes me really wish my camera was functioning. Might I paint a picture? Please, allow me.
4'5" possibly.
Black (girl?)
Hair in cornrows that create little pointy mountain kind.
A slipknot shirt.
Black cargo shorts hitting at the knee.
Combat boots of sorts.
Multiple studded belts.
A spike collar.
THE KICKER: Fly-like raver goggles that she wears ON her eyes at all times.
...oh and a North Face backpack, of course. Obviouslly.

*I overheard a woman at the bus stop yesterday saying that on her way to work the bus driver stopped and told everyone they had to get off unless two somewhat obnoxious girls got off. The bus was stalled for maybe twenty minutes over the feud and I guess this isn't the first time it's happened. I guess drivers are putting their foot down these days to stop the idiocy. As a result I got on the bus the following day to a police escort riding along with us.

*There's a corner I pass every day to and from work. 1st and Mission isn't overly inhabited by bums but it still smells like piss and bo all day everyday. I wonder how that stuck so hard and what uber smelly bum is responsible.

*Yesterday I got on a crowded bus from upper haight on my way home for the day. I had just gotten a coffee and have to admit I was a little nervous about having to stand (for lack of seating) with a full coffee while the driver might make some screeching stops. I mean, it could be disastrous. And this was my first time at this. Luckily, I got a seat and it was right next to a smelly older gentlemen probably in his late 60's. He told me he's seen me around town because he recognized my tattoos. He asked me what I did and I said I was a designer. He proceeded to tell me that he also was a designer and specialized in war attire.
The best part is that I found a small place in my mind to maybe believe him.

*The bus to my house is the ONLY bus that goes to Treasure Island. The riders of the bus are about 80% black and most like to cause a ruckus. Common cliche occurrences on the morning ride:

.People playing music loudly from their phone and singing along.

.Kids carving or drawing on any blank spot inside the bus.

.People talking like jerks on the phone to their significant other... SO loudly that I've gathered pretty much all the details of their life together.

.Black middle age women talking about how much time they have clean (always while they're eating potato chips. I don't know why). There's a sober living or some kind of rehabilitation program on the island.

.And then the very minority white business woman who's just trying to get to work and is overly annoyed with the transportation situation she's in to get there. This woman described would NOT be me. I love it. It's entertainment.








This is why I don't need a tv.

Solo.

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting home alone on the computer. I haven't done this in a really long time. It feels very awkward. I have to admit that I'm pretty lonely here. Granted I've only been here a week... and a lot has happened in a week. There has been some major development. None the less, still lonely as fuck. Part of me wonders if I made a mistake. Maybe I should have left good alone. I had a kick ass apartment. I had a ton of amazing friends. Maybe I should have stayed in Long Beach and tried to find a new job there. I don't know. There's no way of knowing if I would've been happy doing that... and there's no way of knowing if I'll be happy here. It's such a toss up. And I don't know what it all matters anyway.... like why does any of it REALLY matter? I need to take some time and really think about what it is I want for my life.... what is it I'm trying to do with myself. What's the big idea. What do I want to accomplish overall and how do I get there. I don't know those answers at this moment but I think I need to start thinking about it.

It has begun to hit home that a lot of people I have seen around and/or known for the past few years in Long Beach will not be a part of my life anymore. It makes me really really sad. I feel very confused right now and I wish someone could just tell me what I'm supposed to do with myself. Sometimes having my destiny laid at my own hand is too much for me. I can't take the pressure.

In a nut shell--
MY HOUSE. It's cool. The boys are all really laid back dudes and they totally like me. Two out of three of them have girlfriends which kinda bugs.... only for my own selfish reasons. Because if they didn't they would probably hang out a lot more. But who is single these days? Everyone's got something brewing. Except me at the moment.

The house in general is chill but it's kind of a bummer living out here on the island. It feels like it takes forever to get anywhere . Mostly just the whole waiting for the bus thing. The drive to the city is super quick but then there's the parking situation. I feel a little secluded living on the island. I feel like if I lived in the city and I was bored on a Saturday night I could just walk down to the nearest dive and post up. But that's not possible here.

The house is very dude run. This would be because it's a house full of dudes. Except for the last week of course. I haven't completely unpacked but I'm hesitant to really put much up on the walls or decorate. For some reason I feel like I'm not going to be here for that long. I don't know what that's about.

MY JOB. Very hard to say what the deal is with that. I had high hopes for this new opportunity and I hoped that it would all pan out in the best way possible. In the back of my mind I had some doubts about certain things..... a lot of those things have proven correct. It's kind of a bummer. My first few days have been really rough. Every day it's getting a little better, and I'm sure that will continue. But I can't say that I'm stoked to go to work Monday.

I'm trying to look at the coin from both sides though. What I really wanted was to move to SF. I was down to take a really shitty job just to have A JOB and get out here and start something new. I didn't HAVE to do that. I got a job still in the industry, paying a little more than my last job, and giving me some new opportunities to learn. I need to think about that and remember that everyday. What can I bring to the table here and how can I help them out with my experience and education? I am trying to look at it that way.

MY FRIENDS. Well, I don't really have any. I know people here and there but it's the pretty standard situation for moving somewhere new. People at work are pretty chill and my roommates are super cool dudes. I am trying to remember that it took 6 years of living in Long Beach to acquire what I left there with. And there is something exciting about everything being new. I like riding the bus for one reason mostly.... just to see the people on there, scope out the cutest dude on the bus, watch the crazy people,.....

MY PLAN. I guess I don't really have one. Unpack? Let's start small.

I absolutely have to give SF a good solid year. I owe that to myself. And if I'm not happy at that time I can move back or move on. Italy is still a possibility. And no matter where I go from here, I needed this refresher course in movin' up and out. I forgot what it was like.

There's a lot I can do in a year also....
.Try to get some organization going for Empire.
.Learn how to work with overseas manufacturers
. Learn how to layout art for the printers.
. Possibly learn how to do catalog layout on In Design (a small goal I have for this new job).
. Rack up some experience and time doing buying for the store.
.Meanwhile work in my spare time on garments for my fashion show in February (produced by Sasha Gold.)
. Get more into freelance wardrobe.
. Build my portfolio for wardrobe.
.Do as many freelance wardrobe gigs as possible in SF.
. Start a network of photographers and models in SF.
. Get involved with musicians in SF. Maybe get into a new band.
. Start writing/recording my own songs.

And the list goes on and on and on. I need to definitely take some time tomorrow and think about what it is I want out of all of this.

I Didn't Cry Today.

... A first since I started my new job. Things may be on the upswing. However thinking of this picture has made me laugh through tears in the past few days. This shit's hilarious.