12/14/08

I've found myself thinking about this all week. I always come back to this moment we were here in the city for the weekend, hanging out,... and I was asked "What do you really want? What do you want to do with your life and what do you think would make you happy?" We were sitting on hippy hill on a Saturday. I remember that I couldn't even really say. I'm so unsure sometimes, of all of those questions. I get scared that what I think will make me happy will fall short in the end. I'm unsure that what I think I want to do will turn out to be wrong for me. I'm nervous about the decisions I have to make that steer my life. I don't feel like my path is at all clear. But I'm trying to think of the things I really want for myself when I listen to the 9th step promises. I don't know what else to do except trust that if I commit myself to this I will get all the things I want for my life. What else do you believe? History is repeating itself every single time I pick up. I've fought for so long to try to pull it all off and the truth comes out every time that the choices I make result in a person I don't like much. Even being fully aware of that, I am having the hardest time gettin' off the sauce. I am just so in the middle, "at the jumping off point". Can't live with it, can't live without it. I feel like this coming week is going to hold some interesting developments. I just have this feeling.