You might not want to fuck me, but you definitely don't want to FUCK WITH ME.

Yeeeeeppppp. In the wise words of Robin Williams. Last night I ushered (random as fuck) for his standup show at Bimbo's. It was very interesting. I love the middle age yuppy ladies who take their ushering job SO seriously. God knows it's the first time they've escaped from slaving across a hot stove in the Marina so far in 2009. Gotta love em. Robin Williams was super funny though. As I gazed across the completely packed room, noticing young people dressed to impress with their friends,... couples on a date night,.... it donned on me that this is what normal people do. Go out and do nice things with people they care about. There is life outside of dark dingy smelly bars. And believe it or not, I have a feeling you can dress up, go out, have a good night and not come home obliterated (if making it home at all.) I had to split from the show right as RW had busted into his shtick about alcoholism. Bummer. I heard a little bit,... so true. Anyways, cheers to doing random things like ushering comedy shows.

In other news, went on the SD/LB/LA business venture. Interesting. I came to some conclusions:
1. I hate tradeshows.
2. I'm not sure that I have any business being a buyer. I really don't give a fuck about wanting these people's products to sell. I'd rather take notes on some of their decent ideas and put my twist on them. Looking around at their shit entertains me for about fifteen minutes tops.
3. Fashion and my future involvement in it really confuses me. I think sometimes, what is the FUCKING point of this? What does this help? Who does this help? Is this struggle worth it? But it's all I know how to do and all I ever wanted,....
4. It was revealed to me that some of my coworkers might be infant boys. Two cocktails deep and they're having the time of their live. Must be nice.
5. Some of my friends back in the LB are alarmingly aloof. And some of my friends in LB have earned 1000 points with me recently. Sometimes you don't know what you had until you've lost it.
6. I learned one more time that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. It is so FUCKING CRAZY to me how UN-FUN drinking has become to me. My mental insanity surrounding the issue has really sky rocketed. Here we are again starting over,... even though I've done this so many times I feel that for some reason, this particular time I gained a very real understanding of the mental anxiety alcohol gives me. It scares me more than any consequence of a drink could. I have 6 days today.

Upon returning back to work, some major truths have come to surface. After running my thoughts and concerns by many friends, mentors, colleagues and family members, I have come to major business decisions that I feel are the best for the time being. I am somewhat disappointed but I feel at ease. I believe I am doing the right thing. Now I just have to inform the big man,.... this won't be easy.

And in SUDDEN NEWS, looks like I will be heading to the LBC yet again for a possible new endeavor,... I get so confused and twisted up on this stuff,... the questions: where am I supposed to be? Will I regret? What is right for me? Fuck it dude. I am just gonna go with the flow from now on. I want to be happy and successful,... that's it. I want to get more experience in my field and have a job with stability. I want to save some cash, have good friends, be somewhat comfortable,... stay sober. I'm just going to try to turn this over and let the cards fall where they may.

We'll see how that goes.

SETTLIN'.

Not as in "settlin' for less" but more like "settlin' in".

Had a super busy weekend. Overall it was really really good. I am up and down mentally and emotionally but have faith that the downs will pass with more and more quickness as time goes on. Overall I am feeling really good about things and anxious for the near future. This weekend was packed as fuck though,....

.Finally got in THEE most bitchin' leather hoodie jacket. HEATHEN. Look it up.

.Homegirl from across the ol' GG Bridge came to town.

.Went to some good meetings.

.Got to explore North Beach a little bit.

.Spent a minute or two at Dolores Park.

.Went to a show at Annie's Social Club... became closer friends with some homies of Bill W., saw a past online date, a girl got
stabbed (supposedly).

.Met up with ex dude at the bars in the Mission thinking I could go sit happily and talk and not drink... stayed 5 minutes, left, cried on the walk home.

.Coworker/"Neigb" came to the rescue this morning to assist in the loading of music equipment for band practice today. Bought Neighb Starbucks for payment. .Practiced with potential new band. Rough sauce. Somewhat awkward. No comparison to my band. Like their music, don't know if there was any real chemistry though. Still proud I showed up and got a lil' uncomfortable for a bit.

.Swooped a friend to help put keyboard back up in the crib. Impromptu photoshoot with Boots McGee. Went to a SF Fillmore version of Pinkberry for payment.






.Picked up coworker homie in South SF. Spent my $100 xmas gift certificate on Montana cans. Coworker started a piece in my living room. LOVE IT. To be continued.





.Old flame comes over to hang for the "live paint". He was not his usual nightmare self,.... good to see him, but I refrained from any extracurricular hanging out. Sittin the bench in 09, remember?

.First hint at a press release for my new line. Check it.
http://www.grooveeffect.com/m-style/011309-behind-the-scenes-with-dstruc.php

THE DEVIL.

If that image means anything to you at all, you may feel my pain. THIS SHIT MAKES ME WANT TO STAB OTHERS. I am so irritated that my institute of college education left out the EXTREMELY necessary skills of knowing these fuckin' programs. I am ripping my hair out on the daily trying to figure this shit out. I'm improving by leaps and bounds everyday, but in classic ME style, it just isn't coming together quick enough, I'm not good enough and I want to cry over it almost every day. I DID squirt some (tears, that is) when my boss attempted to tutor me the other night. AGH. I am trying to change my attitude,... I am lucky that I get to learn this through this job. I've wanted to and considered continuing my education by going back to school for graphic design, but this is a small version of that which I don't have to pay for. I should be grateful, but all I can muster is "disappointed" (with myself). I need to learn to give myself a fuckin' break sometimes.

Alas, I'm sure that this is all a result of everything that's going on right now. While some things (and emotions) REALLY suck and leave me holding back tears or not wanting to get out of bed, I am reminding myself that it will pass and things will get better if I keep on this road.

In other news, I made a couple new friends kinda this week at meetings. That makes me happy,... I might not feel like a complete outsider freakazoid soon. Some homies from work are going to paint a couple pieces in my apartment this weekend which I'm stoked about. I feel good about making my house into more of a home. It's been confirmed in my mind that I'm staying here,... I've accepted that, am excited about that, and grateful for that. Things are looking up, I really believe it. Still doing well with the anti-dude campaign,... I've been tempted to dig up some old bones but I am reminding myself that there is a reason I am hesitant and those reasons are legit. I'm feeling generally content with work lately and actually really inspired with design and the possibilities that lay in front of me with that.

Now I need to work on NOT falling asleep on the couch every night,.. I haven't slept in my bed for about a week. Who does that,....?

STAYIN' ALIVE IN 09.

...things are going well. Looking up, I'd say. I can't say this at any point of any particular day but as a general consensus that is the verdict. 9 days sober today. I am trying to remind myself that the in and out activity I've been puliln' for the past few years isn't something to "regret or close the door on" but something that hopefully I can share with someone else someday and they might be able to benefit from it. What else is there to think? It is possibly more difficult than any time in the past that I've tried to stay off the sauce. For one reason, I don't know any sober people here. I don't know many people here at all. My social network extends as far as the dudes that I work with (all dudes,...) and the dudes that I've either dated in the past since moving here or have had in recent rotation. When I feel completely unwelcome, uncomfortable or just straight up weird in a meeting, it is the harsh reality that my comfortable place and somewhat comfortable people are absolutely at the bar at any given moment. Or they would surely be down for it if I suggested it. I've been pushing this idea out of my mind with the reminder that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Frankly I don't want anything to do what I've been getting lately. When I cut the bullshit, the reality of the situation is that I don't work up to my potential, I have no standards, I allow people to treat me completely inappropriate, I lose sight of anything that matters, and I'm completely emotionally unstable. It's not cute but it's the truth. You, (Friends at the bar RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT) probably can't relate to those feelings. Because you're either a) normal or b) unaware of the fact that you can do better and have better.

Ugh. Off that soapbox. The moral of the story is that shit is hard for me right now emotionally but I know from experience that it gets better. And I know for a fact that RIGHT NOW I'm okay and things are on the rise for me. I'm beginning to find contentment with my job. I'm starting to seek out new opportunities in music. I've already begun cutting ties with people who have abused my kindness for weakness and I've started re-evaluating and attempting to rebuild my worth. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own home and even enjoy being there. I'm getting excited for the future of things and starting to build my nest by whatever means possible.

A really awesome opportunity has popped up recently that's had me super torn, apprehensive, nervous, scared, anxious,... everything you can imagine. But it's still something to work towards and I've decided it's my reason for being here for 09.

More to come,...

CUT CUT CUT.

The man or woman upstairs, whatever it is, has an interesting sense of humor. When I've come to the end of my rapidly fraying rope, submitted to following some direction in an attempt to better my life, decided to stop walking the fence and dive in head first and submitted to throw out my ultimate relapse-pills (men), it just so happens that all the current men in rotation have exposed their extreme douche-ness in the past week anyway. What better time to say fuck em' all and fly solo for awhile? I imagine it will get lonely,... but I am willing to go through whatever loneliness comes with abstinence from not only drugs and alcohol but also relationships (for awhile) in attempts to get some clarity and direction. If boy below hadn't pulled some douchy-mcgee moves lately, I would never be so harsh. But,....




Come on, dude. Don't fuck with me.
Sianara, boys. See ya next year.

TALES FROM THE HOOD.

New. Knew. Gnu.

09. One day deep and I'm not sure how i feel. Disappointment comes to mind immediately,... but I guess that ties in to one of the resolutions.

NYE 09,.... I give it a 6 out of 10 at best. Went much differently than I thought it would. Still holding fast on the statement that I've never had a super rad New Years Eve. I wonder if and when that will ever change.

Realizations for the week: the search continues for a dude thats not a douchebag. I don't know why it's rocket science to find a guy that acquires things I want and is still respectful and treats me right.

(cue resolutions)
1. Quit smoking. I know,... really difficult. Nothing to speak of lightly. I HAVE to cut back in a serious way though. This has just gotten stupid. After this pack is done I am embarking on the withdrawl crazy train. Sorry in advance for my bitchy behavior.

2. Eat better. Eat healthier, eat less, look towards Mary Kate Olsen more often more inspiration. Lose weight, take care of my body. Who DOESN'T have that as a new years resolution? So cliche. Drink less. Figure out the balance in that.

3. Abandon my brain consumption in regards to guys. Stop concerning myself with them. Stop lowering my standards. Stop ignoring things that need to be taken into account. Stop making excuses for other people. Don't settle for anything less than I deserve in ANY way. Stand up for myself. Take care of myself first and foremost. Love myself more.

Here's to a new year,.... I'm nervous.