Thursday, February 26, 2009


I am back to the mental place today of feeling like such a WASTE at this job. I do nothing all day. I have literally sat on my ass all day long and no one notices,... there's nothing pressing for me to do,... pretty much ever. It is really really degrading for me. I have a few warm leads on new opportunities but nothing has panned out yet. I had found a place in my heart and brain to be grateful and at least content, but I am so not in that space right now. Right now I feel like all the education I got was for absolutely nothing. This is so not what I want. This is so not what I thought it was going to be. I am so much better than this. I deserve better than this. But none the less I show up everyday to a job that is going nowhere at all, that makes me miserable, doesn't take care of it's employees, and leaves me completely drained of any hope or ambition.


Solutions anyone? There's gotta be more to life than this. I have to try to believe that this is a rough spot that will be something to laugh about in the future. Right now I just have to try to keep from crying.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Where is home.

Back to real life in SF after a good weekend back in the LBC. Um, brief run down....

*Saw "He's Just Not That Into You" with Bunny. Epic. Spot on. We've declared that while we might be PSYCHO females, we don't hold a candle to the broad's in this movie. But it was still all way too true. I highly recommend this movie to anyone and everyone who ever questions the intentions of the opposite sex.

*Spotted some hotty boy at the coffee shop who must be new in town, considered inviting him to "He's Just Not That Into You". We refrained.

*Woke up one morning to realize my whole bank account was in shambles in response to a FAR past paycheck that just bounced. Rad. All moneys unaccessible. Thanks, jobby.

*Got my hand tatty. ROUGH SAUCE. But had a good time doing it. When in extreme pain, make sure to discuss your internet panty scam to send all tattoo artists in the room rolling on the floor. A real hit, if you ask me.

*Played a show (well KINDA played a show) with The City. Douchy McGee sound guy had his panties all in a knot to rush us on stage ASAP once we got there, and once we started on our set he was nowhere to be found as the sound cut in and out on every single song. Douchebag rolls back in RIGHT as we're breaking down. Such a pile. Stacey was totally pissed, I totally told him off and we will never play that spot again. It was a bummer.

*Went to some good meetings, saw some good people and had a good time. Happy to be home.

Back in SF now. "Home", one could say. The week's been off to an interesting start....
*Got 30 days clean and sober yesterday.
*A recent "flame" came to his first meeting ever as a result of a courtcard, but is showing interest in actually attempting to stay sober, which is really cool but really weird.
*Learned on this same day that "flame" has been involved with someone the ENTIRE time he was involved with me. Rad. I've learned through the grapevine that this chick officially hates me. Awesome.

Livin' the dream.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Fightin' the Good Fight.

The SF Pillow Fight was,... interesting. Cute. But I must admit I was over it in about 5 minutes. But still, a nice novelty, as SF seems to provide.

And my personal favorite fighter,....

IN OTHER NEWS, changes, once again. I've somehow slipped into a place of acceptance that my job is completely unstable and nothing seems to give as of late. No warm leads. What to do...? So it's confirmed as of two days ago,... I'm moving next weekend, into a three bedroom house in Noe Valley with a couple sober kids. I have mixed emotions about it,... but overall I believe it's the responsible and most positive thing to do. It is really miraculous how things are working out surrounding this situation,... things are just falling into place in ways that I wouldn't have expected. I have to chalk it up to the idea that it must be what's right for me. I'm pleased lately with what seems to result from my decision to abandon my self will.

So yea, quite a bit to look forward to at the moment, which was far from the case last week around this time. Going to LB this weekend, getting tattooed, playing a show, going to some meetings, meeting my potential new babe,...

Stoked. <3

Friday, February 13, 2009

St.Valentine should rot.

Friday the 13th (of February).... a day of fun and superstition.
Saturday the 14th of February (aka VALENTINES DAY)..... there will be blood.

I will be participating, and documenting. Stay tuned.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Something's gotta give.

Yep. It's been confirmed. The possible job endeavor I flew to LA for on Monday is not going to pan out. I've been depressed as hell since coming back to SF after that interview,.. as much as I tried not to, I got all wrapped up in the idea of moving home,.. being back where "everybody knows your name",... discussing possible living situations,... the ideas looming in my head that once again I could play back in the band that I loved, be around people who care about me, get a lot of things I've been wanting,... I felt like I nailed that interview. But no. I just don't get it. It kills me to think that I'm only good enough for companies that are completely failing. I've gotten my foot in the door at two reputable good companies where I would have LOVED to work. But they didn't want me. How can you stay up when this keeps happening? Im just spinning my wheels trying to figure out what it is that's not good enough for me. I wonder if I even have any business being in this industry. Am I just not talented enough? Is it physical appearance stuff? Do I not look right? I just don't get it. I don't know if it's ever going to change. I don't know what I have to do.

So here we are again. I have to figure out some kind of way to be content. I'm going completely crazy. Do all of these constant rejects mean I'm supposed to stay here? I just don't know anymore. I don't know where to be, where to go, who to turn to anymore. Definitely don't know what makes me happy anymore. I know what used to,.. I know what I THINK will make me happy or fix everything. But I don't believe my brain. I feel like I don't want that much. Just a good life. I just want the chance to work hard and be rewarded for that. Ultimately right now at this moment I really miss my friends and I miss having people around me who know me and care about me. I feel very alone and just a little speck in the scheme of things. I feel really forgotten.

I am trying to practice contrary action to how I feel. Calling people I really don't feel like talking to. Trying to hang out with people this weekend even though it's totally uncomfortable. I don't know what else to do. I guess we will see what happens. I'm just floored at this point.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

blank page.

I am so tired and mentally drained right now. I feel really defeated right now. My job is super rough. It's just nothing that I thought it would be. It was tolerable for awhile but it's completely not at this point. Maybe it's me. I don't know. It's just that nothing at all is at all entertaining to me here right now. Nothing is funny. I haven't laughed once today. I haven't said more than a few words to anyone today. I haven't accomplished much at all. I can't do much. I feel like all of my job responsibilities are haulted because of one thing or another. I just feel completely stopped. Somewhat worthless. I'm broke as fuck. My refrigerator is completely empty. I am unable to pay my bills. I am consistently asking for financial assistance. My short lived drive about the clothing line endeavor has completely fallen off a cliff as a result of the realization I've come to about how possible it actually isn't... I guess the truth of the situation. I just went to an interview yesterday for a new opportunity,... I felt it went really well,... I had/have high hopes but haven't heard anything back. I'm trying to stay positive but it's really really hard. I'm trying not to think about it but when I'm so unhappy in my current situation it's hard not to completely dwell on new possibilities. I am holding back tears and watching the minutes tick until I can leave, where I'll go home to no one and find it hard to get the energy or motivation to do anything but lay down and fall asleep. I don't know what's wrong with me but I hate it and can't seem to get out of it. Part of me think that I'm a huge buyer into the saying "the grass is always greener... blah blah blah". Why can't I ever get into gratitude or just be in the now? It is nearly impossible for me. I'm really depressed and want to look forward to something that comes next but have no idea what that even is.